Masterclass
To discuss Adlerian psychology on love, self-reliance, and destiny. Reading from the book “The Courage to be Happy” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.
Key Takeaways
Childhood “Lifestyle for Being Loved”: Children adopt a “lifestyle for being loved” as a survival strategy, using behaviours (e.g., obedience, rebellion) to secure parental attention. This self-centred pattern can persist into adulthood, hindering true self-reliance.
Love as Self-Reliance: True self-reliance is an attitude, not an economic state. It is achieved by loving others, thereby breaking the cycle of seeking approval and marking the transition to adulthood.
“Destined One” as an Illusion: The belief in a “destined one” is a fantasy used to avoid the courage required for real relationships. Love is a decision, a promise, and a discipline built through effort, not a pre-ordained meeting.
Subjectivity of Adler’s Sibling Theory: Adler’s birth-order tendencies are useful observations, not rigid determinants. Factors like parental conditioning and individual passion can override these patterns.
Topics
The “Lifestyle for Being Loved”
Children adopt a “lifestyle for being loved” as a survival strategy, using behaviours to secure parental attention.
This self-centred pattern can persist into adulthood, hindering true self-reliance.
Examples of this lifestyle:
“Good Child”: Obeys parents to gain approval.
“Bad Child”: Rebels to garner attention, often with precise emotional control.
True self-reliance is an attitude, not an economic state. It is achieved by loving others, thereby breaking the cycle of seeking approval and marking the transition to adulthood.
Adler’s Sibling Birth Order Theory
Adler’s theory of birth-order tendencies provides a framework for understanding family dynamics, though it is not deterministic.
Firstborn:
Monopolises parental attention before a sibling arrives.
May become a “worshipper of the past” (conservative, pessimistic) if unable to cope with the loss of power.
Can also develop into an excellent leader by learning cooperation.
Second Child:
Has a “pacesetter” (older sibling) and a constant drive to catch up or surpass them.
Tends to be revolutionary, valuing the overthrow of existing powers.
Often stronger due to more experienced parents.
Remains in a position of power, with parents as rivals for love.
May develop a “mother complex” and experience psychological anxiety from parental pressure.
The Illusion of the “Destined One”
The belief in a “destined one” is a fantasy used to avoid the courage required for real relationships.
People use this ideal to reject real candidates and avoid the risk of a deep connection.
Adler’s View: Love is a decision, a promise, and a discipline built through effort.
Metaphor: Love is a “dance of the now.” Happiness is found by engaging with the partner in front of you, not by waiting for a perfect one.
Discussion & Reflections
Subjectivity of Adler’s Theory:
The theory is an observation, not a rigid rule.
Parental conditioning and individual passion can override birth-order tendencies.
Sandeep Dutt: Love is not an emotion or a transaction. It is giving without expectation of return.
Vishakha Bisht (Grade 6): Love is a decision to contribute, which removes fear and makes love real.
Pushpendra Singh Ranawat: Love is appreciation for another’s existence.
Defining Courage:
Vibhor (Hillwoods Academy): Asked for a definition of courage, noting it seems present in both acceptance and denial.
Sandeep Dutt: Suggested reviewing the “Courage to be Disliked” sessions on the My Good School YouTube channel for a full answer.
Next Steps
Sandeep Dutt:
Conclude the “The Courage to be” book series.
Launch the next series, “Human Edge in the Age of AI,” based on Nitin Seth’s book.
Review “Courage to be Disliked” sessions on the My Good School YouTube channel to understand the full context of courage.
