The meeting discussed the book "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. We elaborated on the concept of community feeling, emphasising horizontal relationships over vertical ones. The discussion highlighted the pitfalls of praise and rebuke and advocated encouragement and gratitude instead. The session also addressed the importance of contributing to the community in building self-worth and courage. Participants shared their thoughts on applying these principles in various contexts, including education and work.
Key Takeaways
- Reject Vertical Relationships: Avoid praise and rebuke, as they create a manipulative hierarchy. Instead, establish horizontal relationships grounded in mutual respect.
- Practice Encouragement: Replace judgment with gratitude ("Thank you") to acknowledge effort and foster courage. This affirms a person's value without creating dependency.
- Find Belonging Through Contribution: A true sense of worth comes from feeling beneficial to the community, not from external validation.
- Use the "Larger Community" Principle: When facing hardship, remember the world is bigger than your immediate problem. This perspective provides a refuge and prevents minor issues from becoming overwhelming.
The "Rolling Stone" Analogy
- The session began with a reflection on the "rolling stone" analogy from the previous week's reading.
- Meaning: A person who seeks constant validation loses their "sharp corners" (individuality) and becomes powerless, carried away by societal currents.
- Contrast: True freedom involves standing firm and speaking up, not conforming to the herd.
"You Are Not the Centre of the World"
- The book's core premise: while you are the protagonist of your own life, you are a member of a community, not its centre.
- Self-Centred View: Treating others as existing to serve you (the "prince/princess" complex) leads to disillusionment and resentment when expectations are not met.
- "Globe vs. Map" Analogy:
- Map: A flat, subjective view with one's own location at the centre.
- Globe: A spherical, objective view where every point is a potential centre, illustrating that no single person is the absolute centre.
- Active Contribution: A sense of belonging is earned through active contribution, not passive presence. It requires asking, "What can I give to this person?"
The "Larger Community" Principle
- Adler's concept of community is infinite, extending beyond immediate circles to include the entire universe.
- Purpose: To provide a refuge when struggling in a smaller community (e.g., school, workplace).
- Application: When facing adversity, listen to the "voice of the larger community."
- Example: If a teacher is authoritarian, remember that in the larger community of human society, you are equals. This perspective empowers you to object to unreasonable demands.
Vertical vs. Horizontal Relationships
- The book advocates for rejecting vertical relationships (hierarchy) in favour of horizontal relationships (equality).
- Vertical Relationships:
- Praise & Rebuke: Both are manipulative tools that create a hierarchy.
- Praise: A judgment from a "superior" to an "inferior."
- Rebuke: The "stick" to praise's "carrot."
- Intervention: Forcing your will on another's task, driven by a belief in your own superiority.
- Horizontal Relationships:
- Encouragement: The alternative to praise/rebuke. It is assistance that respects task separation.
- Gratitude: Expressing thanks ("Thank you") acknowledges effort without judgment.
- Why it works: It allows a person to subjectively feel they are beneficial, which builds courage.
- Contrast with Praise: Praise forces adaptation to another's values, limiting freedom.
Discussion & Application
- Teacher-Student Dynamics: The group discussed how praise creates an unconscious vertical hierarchy in the classroom.
- My Good School Model: The organisation was cited as an example of a horizontal structure.
- Key Elements: Openness, accessibility, and a focus on challenging opportunities over direct praise.
- Rationale: Providing challenging work demonstrates confidence in a person's ability, fostering internal fulfilment.
Next Steps
- Gurdeep:
- Share the Otter AI summary and bookmarked page in the WhatsApp group.
