Freedom and the Fear of Dislike

Reading from The Courage To Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. To explore Adlerian psychology's concepts of freedom and community.

Key Takeaways

• Freedom is the courage to be disliked. It means living by your own principles, not being a "slave to inclination" (Kant) or seeking constant recognition.

• "Separation of tasks" is the tool for freedom. It defines boundaries by focusing on your own tasks (e.g., leading a horse to water) and letting go of others' outcomes (e.g., whether the horse drinks).

• Fear of judgment is self-centred. This fear stems from an "attachment to self," not concern for others. True connection requires shifting to "social interest" and seeing others as comrades.

• Adlerian psychology is "Individual Psychology" because the self is "indivisible." It rejects dualisms (e.g., mind/body, reason/emotion) and views individuals as whole, choosing their actions and emotions.

Topics

Freedom & the Courage to Be Disliked

• The universal desire for recognition (Kant's "inclination") makes one a "slave to desire."

• Analogy: A stone rolling downhill is unfree; a human resisting inclination and climbing uphill is free.

• Core Principle: Freedom is being disliked by some, as it proves you are living by your own principles.

  • Note: This is not a call to wrongdoing, but to be unconcerned by others' judgment.

• Cost of Freedom: The possibility of not being recognised.

Separation of Tasks: The Tool for Freedom

• Principle: Define clear boundaries by focusing only on your own tasks.

• Example (The Philosopher's Father):

  • Problem: A strained relationship, attributed to a childhood trauma.

  • Freudian (Aetiology) View: The trauma caused the bad relationship.

  • Adlerian (Teleology) View: The memory was used to justify not repairing the relationship.

  • Solution: The philosopher focused on his own task—resolving to repair the relationship—without expecting his father to change.

  • Outcome: The father eventually said "Thank you," showing the power of focusing on one's own actions.

Community Feeling: The Goal of Relationships

• Critique of Task Separation: The student argued that it leads to isolation.

• Philosopher's Clarification: Task separation is a starting point, not an end in itself. It untangles relationship threads to enable true connection.

• Goal of Relationships: "Community feeling," or "social interest."

  • Definition: Seeing others as comrades, finding refuge in the community, and desiring to contribute.

  • Adler's "Community": An all-inclusive ideal (past, present, future, all life) that is an "unattainable ideal" but a necessary guide.

Self-Centeredness vs. Social Interest

• Self-Centeredness: An "attachment to self" focused solely on the "I."

  • Includes: Tyrants, egotists, and those obsessed with recognition.

  • Rationale: Worrying about others' opinions is self-centred because it is a concern for how they satisfy your desire for recognition.

• Social Interest: A "concern for others" that shifts focus from self to community.

• The Dilemma: The student questioned this, arguing that the self is the natural protagonist of one's life.

Next Steps

• Sandeep Dutt: Write the Sunday newsletter, including the Good Schools Alliance's new governing council.

• All Participants:

  • Reflect on the concepts of freedom, task separation, and self-centeredness.

  • Share reflections in the WhatsApp group or request a blogger ID for the website.

  • Meet next Saturday to continue the discussion.

Task Separation in Parent-Child Relationships

Reading from the book "The Courage To Be Disliked" and discussing Adlerian psychology's "separation of tasks" concept for improving relationships.

Key Takeaways

• Separate Tasks to Reduce Suffering: Identify whose task an outcome belongs to (the person who receives the result) and do not intervene in others' tasks. This is the first step to lightening life's load.
• Intervention is Egocentric Control: Forcing others to act for their "own good" is often a "life lie" used to fulfil the intervener's own goals (e.g., social appearance, control), not to help the other person.
• Freedom Requires Rejecting Recognition: Living to satisfy others' expectations is unfree. True freedom comes from choosing one's own path, even if it means being disliked.
• "Productive Failure" is Essential: Allowing others to fail is necessary for them to learn and build courage. Constant intervention prevents this growth and fosters a fear of challenges.

The Separation of Tasks

The core principle is to identify whose task an outcome belongs to.

Rule: The person who receives the end result of a choice owns the task.

Example: A child's studying is the child's task, as they receive the results (e.g., grades, school admission).

Intruding on another's task is the root of interpersonal conflict.

This is not non-interference (indifference); it is offering support only when requested, respecting the other's autonomy.

Applying the Principle

Parent-Child: A parent's worry over a child's choices is the parent's task. The child is not living to satisfy parental expectations.

Workplace: A boss's unreasonable anger is the boss's task. The employee's task is to do their work without lying, not to seek the boss's approval.

Belief: Believing in someone is one's own task. How that person acts is their task. Pushing one's wishes without this separation becomes "stalker-like intervention."

The Gordian Knot: A Metaphor for Change

The "Gordian Knot" anecdote illustrates the need for a radical approach to complex relationship problems.

Conventional Method: Trying to "unravel" the knot (e.g., using conventional social thinking) is slow and ineffective.

Adlerian Method: "Cutting" the knot (e.g., separating tasks) is a direct, revolutionary act that creates freedom.

Result: This creates a necessary "moderate distance" in relationships, which is essential for healthy interaction and mutual respect.

The Desire for Recognition vs. Freedom

The Youth argues that living to satisfy others' expectations is easier and provides a guide for life.

The Philosopher counters that this is an unfree way to live, driven by a fear of being disliked.

Trying to please everyone is a "life lie" that leads to continuous stress and self-deception.

Conclusion: Separating tasks is not egocentric; intervening in others' tasks is. True freedom comes from choosing one's own path.

Next Steps

• Gurdeep: Share the Kindle bookmark and Otter.ai takeaways in the WhatsApp group.
• All: Reflect on the concept of "separation of tasks" in personal relationships.
• All: Consider the balance between maintaining boundaries and nurturing relationships.
• All: Explore ways to communicate and collaborate without getting caught in cycles of expectation and judgment.
• All: Research "Productive Failure" to deepen understanding of experiential learning.

AI-generated content thanks to Fathom AI.

Hope and Friendship - Kusum Sharma

Hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on positive outcomes. Hopeful people believe that they can influence their goal. Hope and Friendship values are very much connected to each other. True Friendship is when someone knows you better than yourself and takes a position in your best interests in a crisis.

I remembered one incident in the classroom where I saw a real example of hope and Friendship. Sneha was a very brilliant student in her class and even excellent in all other activities also. Observed that from a few weeks she was not able to concentrate on her studies and always refused to take part in other events. I wanted to know the reason for this.

I called and asked her about her negligence of work, but she was not interested to share her problem. Next day her very close friend Reena came to me and disclosed that she was very tense due to her parents' separation and divorce.

I observed Reena was very helpful and caring for her and always tried to help her in every small thing. She motivated her to take part in games and other activities and also get her ready to talk to me for her problem. I even started playing extra attention towards her, now she was very friendly with me. We both tried our best to overcome her through that tough time. I was wondering if the support of her friend brought new hope for her. Now again she is doing best in academics and athletics as well.

Kusum Sharma

The Fabindia School

ksa@fabindiaschools.in