The 5 Stages of Problem Behaviour

Masterclass with Sandeep Dutt 

To analyse the five stages of problem behaviour from The Courage to be Happy by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

Key Takeaways

• Problem behaviour escalates through 5 stages, each driven by a goal to secure a “special position” and rooted in a “love-starved” feeling.

• Rebuke is ineffective; it often reinforces the behaviour by fulfilling the student’s goal of being recognised, even when it’s negative.

• Intervention must match the stage: early stages respond to respect, while late stages require professional help.

• The teacher’s role is critical for prevention, as most problem behaviour stops at Stage 3 (Power Struggle).

Topics

The 5 Stages of Problem Behaviour

• Stage 1: Demand for Admiration

  • Goal: Gain praise and a privileged position.

  • Behaviour: Acting as the “good child” or “honour student.”

  • Risk: Motivation collapses without praise, leading to cheating.

  • Intervention: Show respect to convey inherent worth, focusing on small, everyday details.

• Stage 2: Attention Drawing

  • Goal: Stand out by any means when praise fails.

  • Behaviour:

    • Assertive: Mischief (e.g., noise, ridiculing) to be a “class clown.”

    • Passive: Dramatic drop in achievement (e.g., forgetting, crying).

  • Rationale: Prefers negative attention (rebuke) to being ignored.

  • Intervention: Convey worth through respect; this is the last stage where direct teacher intervention is effective.

• Stage 3: Power Struggle

  • Goal: Prove might through open resistance and disobedience.

  • Behaviour: Provocation, foul language, rule-breaking, or passive refusal to engage.

  • Teacher’s Trap: Reacting with anger creates a “racket of anger” that escalates the conflict.

  • Intervention: Get off the “court” immediately by refusing to engage in the power struggle.

• Stage 4: Revenge

  • Goal: Seek “love’s revenge” on those who wouldn’t provide love; seeks connection through hate.

  • Behaviour: Repeating disliked actions, stalking, self-harm, or social withdrawal.

  • Rationale: Accuses others (“it’s your fault”) and finds success in their worry.

  • Intervention: Requires an impartial third party (another teacher, parent, specialist) because the student will escalate behaviour with the original teacher.

• Stage 5: Proof of Incompetence

  • Goal: Announce incompetence to avoid further hurt and disappointment.

  • Behaviour: Despair, self-deprecation, lethargy, and rejection of all assignments.

  • Rationale: “Don’t expect anything from me.”

  • Intervention: Requires a specialist. This stage is difficult to reverse, even for professionals.

The Ineffectiveness of Rebuke

• The Cycle: Rebuke provides only temporary quiet. The teacher must constantly yell, proving that it is an ineffective educational tool.

• The Paradox: Problem behaviour often implies a wish to be rebuked, as it fulfils the goal of being recognised as “special.”

• The Deterrent Fallacy: Punishment fails as a deterrent in education because the student’s underlying goal is to be noticed, making the punishment itself a form of reward.

Next Steps

• All Participants:

  • Read the chapter “War vs Peace” from Wanted Backbencher Last Ranker Teacher by Kavita Ghosh.

• Sandeep Dutt:

  • Continue reading The Courage to be Happy on March 28, 2026 - VIOLENCE IN THE NAME OF COMMUNICATION

FATHOM AI-generated summary, read with care.

Task Separation in Parent-Child Relationships

Reading from the book "The Courage To Be Disliked" and discussing Adlerian psychology's "separation of tasks" concept for improving relationships.

Key Takeaways

• Separate Tasks to Reduce Suffering: Identify whose task an outcome belongs to (the person who receives the result) and do not intervene in others' tasks. This is the first step to lightening life's load.
• Intervention is Egocentric Control: Forcing others to act for their "own good" is often a "life lie" used to fulfil the intervener's own goals (e.g., social appearance, control), not to help the other person.
• Freedom Requires Rejecting Recognition: Living to satisfy others' expectations is unfree. True freedom comes from choosing one's own path, even if it means being disliked.
• "Productive Failure" is Essential: Allowing others to fail is necessary for them to learn and build courage. Constant intervention prevents this growth and fosters a fear of challenges.

The Separation of Tasks

The core principle is to identify whose task an outcome belongs to.

Rule: The person who receives the end result of a choice owns the task.

Example: A child's studying is the child's task, as they receive the results (e.g., grades, school admission).

Intruding on another's task is the root of interpersonal conflict.

This is not non-interference (indifference); it is offering support only when requested, respecting the other's autonomy.

Applying the Principle

Parent-Child: A parent's worry over a child's choices is the parent's task. The child is not living to satisfy parental expectations.

Workplace: A boss's unreasonable anger is the boss's task. The employee's task is to do their work without lying, not to seek the boss's approval.

Belief: Believing in someone is one's own task. How that person acts is their task. Pushing one's wishes without this separation becomes "stalker-like intervention."

The Gordian Knot: A Metaphor for Change

The "Gordian Knot" anecdote illustrates the need for a radical approach to complex relationship problems.

Conventional Method: Trying to "unravel" the knot (e.g., using conventional social thinking) is slow and ineffective.

Adlerian Method: "Cutting" the knot (e.g., separating tasks) is a direct, revolutionary act that creates freedom.

Result: This creates a necessary "moderate distance" in relationships, which is essential for healthy interaction and mutual respect.

The Desire for Recognition vs. Freedom

The Youth argues that living to satisfy others' expectations is easier and provides a guide for life.

The Philosopher counters that this is an unfree way to live, driven by a fear of being disliked.

Trying to please everyone is a "life lie" that leads to continuous stress and self-deception.

Conclusion: Separating tasks is not egocentric; intervening in others' tasks is. True freedom comes from choosing one's own path.

Next Steps

• Gurdeep: Share the Kindle bookmark and Otter.ai takeaways in the WhatsApp group.
• All: Reflect on the concept of "separation of tasks" in personal relationships.
• All: Consider the balance between maintaining boundaries and nurturing relationships.
• All: Explore ways to communicate and collaborate without getting caught in cycles of expectation and judgment.
• All: Research "Productive Failure" to deepen understanding of experiential learning.

AI-generated content thanks to Fathom AI.