Passive Love & Self-Centeredness vs Active Love & Self-Reliance

 

Masterclass with Sandeep Dutt

To explore Adlerian philosophy on love, self-reliance, and community feeling. Reading “The Courage To Be Happy” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

Key Takeaways

• Love is an active “art of loving,” not a passive emotion. It’s a task for two people to build an inseparable “us,” a concept distinct from self-interest (“me”) or other-interest (“you”).

• Self-reliance is breaking away from self-centeredness. This means shedding the “pampered child” mindset of using weakness to manipulate others, and instead embracing a sense of community.

• Happiness is a subjective “feeling of contribution.” This sense of being useful to someone provides a true awareness of one’s worth and belonging.

• Adlerian concepts are interconnected. Love enables self-reliance, which, in turn, fosters a sense of community—the core of a happy life.

Topics

The Problem: Passive Love & Self-Centeredness

• “Falling in love” is a passive emotion driven by a desire to possess, like a material object. This is a temporary state, not the active, sustained effort required for true love.

• Self-centeredness is a default human state.

  • As infants, we are “dictators” who use weakness (crying) to control adults and ensure survival.

  • Many adults remain “pampered children,” using their weakness or trauma as a weapon to manipulate others.

The Solution: Active Love & Self-Reliance

• Love is an active “art of loving” (per Adler and Erich Fromm), not an art of being loved. It is a difficult, conscious task.

• Love is a task two people undertake to build an “inseparable us.”

  • This “us” is a new subject of life, superseding individual happiness.

  • Work relationships: Driven by self-interest (“my happiness”).

  • Friend relationships: Driven by other-interest (“your happiness”).

  • Love relationships: Driven by the happiness of the “us.”

• Self-reliance is breaking away from self-centeredness.

  • This liberation from the “me” mindset is what allows for true love and acceptance of the world.

  • It is the core goal of education in Adlerian psychology.

The Outcome: Happiness & Community Feeling

• Happiness is a “feeling of contribution.”

  • It’s a subjective sense of usefulness to someone that provides a true awareness of one’s worth and belonging.

  • This feeling is developed through work and friendships.

• Adlerian concepts are interconnected:

  • Love → Liberation from “me” → Self-reliance → Community feeling.

  • The “us” of a couple expands to the entire community and human race.

The Teachers Academy Updates

• Recent Sessions:

  • “Right vs. Wrong: Handling Teenage Challenges”

  • “Using AI to Identify Out-of-School Girls” (book: Every Last Girl)

• New Onboardings: Satguru International School and John Martyn Memorial School.

• Upcoming Events:

  • Sunday School with Kartik sir (Mental Health) and Brinda Mam (book reading).

  • 10 retreats in Dehradun and 10 national workshops planned.

Next Steps

• Manisha: Publish Pushpendra’s video blog today.

• All Interns: Review Pushpendra’s blog and reflect on its connection to today’s session on love.

• All Participants:

  • Join Sunday School.

  • Read The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.

  • Suggest books for future masterclasses.

• Sandeep: Continue reading the book on May 23, 2026.

FATHOM AI-generated notes.

Education is friendship, not work

Sandeep Dutt’s Masterclass

To explore Adlerian psychology’s application to education and self-reliance.

Key Takeaways

• Problem behaviour is a cry for help: Students act out to find a sense of belonging, not just to misbehave.

• Education is friendship, not work: The teacher’s role is a counsellor-educator who builds relationships based on trust and equality.

• All problems and joy are interpersonal: Suffering and happiness both arise from relationships, making them the central focus of life and education.

• True worth is self-reliance: External validation (e.g., rewards, grades) creates dependence, turning individuals into “clockwork dolls” who cannot move without being wound up.

Topics

Recap: Adlerian Principles

• Problem behaviour is a direct plea for help, stemming from a student’s need to belong.

• External validation creates dependence, undermining self-reliance.

• Reward/punishment systems are “immature and violent” forms of control.

• Teacher happiness is a prerequisite for helping students; a “messiah complex” is a sign of a teacher’s own unresolved unhappiness.

Case Study: Adler’s Patient

• A patient with severe mental illness, committed for 8 years, recovered completely after 30 days of counselling with Adler.

• Adler’s Approach:

  • Spoke to her patiently as an equal, even when she was unresponsive.

  • When attacked, he offered no resistance and looked friendly, treating her as a friend in distress.

• Diagnosis: Her behaviour (barking, spitting) was a subconscious rebellion, keeping open a wound to her dignity from being treated “like a dog.”

• Insight: The patient was “keeping the wound open with her own hands,” highlighting the self-perpetuating nature of psychological pain.

Core Principle: Education as Friendship

• The case study’s lesson: the teacher’s role is a counsellor-educator who interacts with students as a friend.

• Friendship vs. Friendliness:

  • Friendship is a genuine relationship built on trust.

  • Friendliness is a superficial act.

• My Good School Retreat Example:

  • Living with students in a hostel fostered a deep connection.

  • A student’s question (“Why do you have such a glow?”) demonstrated the trust and purity of this friendship.

Adler’s Life Tasks & Interpersonal Psychology

• Adler’s three life tasks (Work, Friendship, Love) are all interpersonal.

• Premise: All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.

  • Rationale: Suffering (conflict, envy, loneliness) arises only in relation to others.

  • Corollary: All joy is interpersonal relationship joy.

• Friendship’s Role:

  • Definition: “In friendship, we see with the eyes of another, listen with the ears of another, and feel with the heart of another.”

  • Friendship is the primary setting for developing “community feeling”—a sense of belonging and contribution.

  • School is the first place children learn about friendship and community.

Q&A: Practical Application

• Q: Should grades and awards be removed?

  • A: The focus should shift from “work” as a task to “work” as a relationship. True education is reading with reflection, which builds relationships.

• Q: What is “insanity”?

  • A: In the text, it refers to the youth’s perception that the philosopher’s ideas about love and relationships are “madness.”

Next Steps

• Sandeep Dutt:

  • Share Adler’s friendship quote in the group chat.

• All Participants:

  • Reflect on Adler’s definition of friendship.

  • Invite a friend to the next masterclass.

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• FATHOM AI-generated notes

A Future-Sensitive Schooling System

Wealthy people place their valuables in a bank locker for safekeeping. At the other end of the spectrum, individuals who’ve fallen on hard times often live out of public places and restrooms. Did you realise there’s a third category of inbetweeners who seek a slightly different type of refuge, in a different type of place altogether?

Children. Even and including those who belong to ‘decent’ families, reasonably well-to-do backgrounds. For many amongst them, what they earn, their personal currency, their spectrum of emotions, feelings and sentiments, owing to a set of unsavoury circumstances that doesn’t allow them to feel ‘whole’ at home; deposit their respective emotional-chests, at school!

While we as parents, teachers and caregivers wax lyrical about steps to make schools safer, more secure, less prejudiced places; the aforementioned group of children has already, being unaffected by the pervading school environment, invested all of themselves they can’t elsewhere, at school.

These are the children who secretly long to reach school, and given a choice, remain! 

Now let us add another layer of current reality to this situation. There is a desperate need for what we broadly understand and term – social emotional learning. This is irrespective of the type of child, and their circumstances. Especially from a future standpoint, the more deeply individuals are self-aware, have formed identities they are proud of, love, and are unique and differentiated, the better their chances at surviving and thriving in an uncharted upcoming global landscape that is almost impossible to estimate with any accuracy.

With these few different directions and reasons that are making a strong case for ‘education’ to be much more ‘emotionally inclusive & evolutionary’, perhaps it is time we questioned some core fundamentals & constructs, rather than trying our current approach of retrofitting & retrofitting?

Ironic. When  I teach Essay Writing as part of my communication skills classes, I suggest to students that as far as possible, and particularly when they raise a problem in their respective pieces, they should also try to provide potential solutions/suggestions. I find that having presented what I see to recognize as a very real reality, one that needs urgent and probably paradigm-altering solutions, I do not myself have any to offer!

Having realized, for myself at least, that retrofitting the existing mainstream schooling systems is not proving particularly effective, residential schools also falling into similar traps, not to mention their own existential crisis; I do have a certain thought. It is a radical thought. One that will require a leap of faith, and redefining several vital facets of mass-standardized education. But when has catering to a completely new/different set of needs ever been easy!

The way I see this. A possible solution could be in the form of a hybrid model of education, that combines a Gurukul-style physical micro-school that will bring together a modest cohort and unite them with a mentor who will address holistic values, spirituality, self-exploration & awareness, and building identity, purpose and morality. And this will co-exist with a completely technology & AI based customised academic/scholastic learning solution that each learner will also attend on an everyday basis, from home itself, encompassing the bulk of what students today physically visit schools for. 

To my mind, this system could present numerous advantages. In addition to the obvious merits stated above, for instance, gurukul would return children to nature, s key suggestion being strongly put forth by many in the mental health & wellness space, for good reason. Furthermore. Why, for example, can we not embrace and compliment education with allied services from AI, instead of waiting for our fears of AI making human teachers redundant, to actually take place? Similarly, why not, rather than retrofitting the current schooling system with diluted elements of SEL, turn it on its head, and take a few systems from the current that are good, and bring those to a revivalist-gurukul. In my school for instance, aside from our headmaster and housemaster, we had tutors. In other schools, a similar role was performed by people called house-parents; only the nomenclature changed. Individuals who’d be quasi parents, emotional supports, pastoral carers. Bolster gurukul with these roles and evolve the rest of current schooling’s academic duties and obligations and make it AI led. 

Is it not in any case observed in as many sectors and realms of life; there comes a point on an evolutionary cycle, that we reference, draw from, reconstruct past/historic systems and values. The gurukul system, so deeply embedded in our culture and conditioning, could just present what we, rather what children at this point need.

Nobody has the elusive magic-mantra to educational success. Trial and error, just as good teachers advise their students, is a process that we as alleged education-leaders must also adopt. It is the only way. The right way. So the E in that word is equal Education & Emotion.

Kartik Bajoria – Founder Driveway Devi Life Guidance

Love Learning vs Hate Learning

Learning Forward Saturday, March 28, 2026, with Brinda Ghosh and Sandeep Dutt

Today’s session was deeply thought-provoking, focusing on the emotional journey of a student who struggles academically. The passage highlighted how stressful and painful the waiting period for results can be, especially for students who lack confidence in their abilities. The line “The two months… had been sheer torture” clearly reflects the anxiety and fear students experience.

What stood out to me was how the student actually knew some answers and had put in effort, yet the rigid evaluation system failed to acknowledge partial understanding. This made me realise how important it is for teachers to appreciate students’ efforts, rather than just focus on final results.

The session helped me understand that many so-called “weak” students are not incapable, but often discouraged by the system and a lack of support. As a future teacher, I feel it is important to create a classroom where mistakes are valued as part of learning and where students feel encouraged rather than judged.

Overall, the session was insightful and reminded me to be more empathetic, patient, and supportive toward every learner.

Ankita Mishra

The reflection on ‘Love learning and hate learning’ resonates deeply. In this context, the role of a teacher is crucial. They can nurture the love for learning by creating a supportive environment, celebrating small wins, and making learning enjoyable. They can also help students navigate the struggles by providing guidance, scaffolding challenges, and fostering a growth mindset. By doing so, teachers can help students see learning as a journey of growth rather than a source of stress.

Monika Ojha

Today’s session was thought-provoking, highlighting the emotional struggles of academically weak students. The line “The two months… had been sheer torture” clearly showed the anxiety they faced. It made me realise that students often put in effort, but rigid evaluation fails to recognise it. I learned that “weak” students are not incapable; they are just discouraged. As a future teacher, I will focus on being empathetic and supportive, and on valuing effort over results.

Neha Pandey 

Today’s session gave me a deep insight into the emotional challenges faced by students who struggle academically. The line “The two months… had been sheer torture” strongly conveyed the stress and frustration such students go through during their learning journey.

It helped me understand that many students make genuine efforts, but traditional assessment methods often overlook their progress. Being labelled as “weak” can lower their confidence and motivation. In reality, these students are not less capable; they simply require more guidance, patience, and encouragement.

As a teacher, I want to adopt a compassionate and understanding approach. I will try to create a classroom environment where every child feels safe, respected, and encouraged to learn. 

Jyoti Pandey

The distinction between “loving ”and ‘hating’ learning is a powerful one. It highlights why the teacher’s role is so vital; by fostering a supportive environment and celebrating incremental progress, educators can transform challenges into growth opportunities. When teachers provide the right scaffolding and encourage a growth mindset, they effectively shift the student’s perspective from stress to a genuine love for the journey.

Jyoti Mishra

Why We Return to Teachers

 

Masterclass with Sandeep Dutt

To introduce the book The Courage to be Happy by Ishiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, and its core themes.

Key Takeaways

• New Book Study: The group is starting The Courage to be Happy, the sequel to The Courage to be Disliked, to explore Alfred Adler’s psychology of happiness.

• Book’s Premise: The book opens with a teacher (Harshita) who, after three years, is disillusioned with Adler’s ideas, finding them impractical in the real world.

• Core Conflict: The teacher’s main struggle is with Adler’s “no praise, no rebuke” principle, which she feels led to an unruly class and forced her to revert to traditional discipline.

• Central Theme: The philosopher’s response is that the teacher’s problem stems from a misunderstanding of Adler’s concept of “love,” which is presented as the ultimate test of courage.

Topics

Book Introduction: The Courage to be Happy

• Context: The sequel to The Courage to be Disliked, this book continues the dialogue between a Philosopher (Sandeep Dutt) and a Youth (Harshita Dalawat).

• Goal: To find “true contentment” by exploring Adler’s psychology, which the book’s authors claim was 100 years ahead of its time.

• Key Adlerian Concepts from Book 1:

  • All problems are interpersonal.

  • Freedom is being disliked.

  • Happiness is a choice in the “here and now.”

The Teacher’s Dilemma

• The Youth (Harshita): Now a teacher, she is disillusioned with Adler’s ideas after three years of trying to apply them in a classroom.

• Core Problem: The “no praise, no rebuke” principle, which she followed faithfully, resulted in an “unruly class.”

• Result: She felt forced to abandon Adler’s methods and revert to traditional discipline (rebuke, punishment), viewing Adler’s philosophy as “quackery” and “empty idealism.”

The Philosopher’s Response

• Adler’s Ideas as a Prescription: The philosopher compares Adler’s ideas to “eyeglass lenses”—a tool that can broaden vision for some but may not be a universal fit.

• The “Stairway of Understanding”: The philosopher argues that the teacher has not yet found the correct path to understanding Adler.

• The “Biggest Choice in Life”: The philosopher identifies the teacher’s core issue as a failure to make this choice, which is defined as “love.”

  • Adler’s “Love”: Not a simple emotion, but “the harshest and most courage-testing task of all.”

  • Happiness as a Journey: It requires continuous effort, not a magical, one-time event.

Discussion: Why We Return to Teachers

• Initial Responses: Participants cited reasons like clearing doubts, seeking advice, or sharing success.

• Philosopher’s Correction: These are secondary reasons. The primary, unspoken motivation is “love.”

  • Rationale: Love is the pure, powerful bond that attracts students to a true teacher, distinguishing it from a transactional relationship with a tutor.

  • Connection to Adler: This bond of love is the fundamental principle of Adler’s philosophy.

Next Steps

• All Participants:

  • Read The Courage to be Happy for the next session.

  • Reflect on the concept of “love” in the teacher-student relationship.

• Diana L Kahmei:

  • Recruit a teacher to join the Masterclass.

• Minakshi Prasad:

  • Confirm Sunday meeting details with Vikram.