Education is friendship, not work

Sandeep Dutt’s Masterclass

To explore Adlerian psychology’s application to education and self-reliance.

Key Takeaways

• Problem behaviour is a cry for help: Students act out to find a sense of belonging, not just to misbehave.

• Education is friendship, not work: The teacher’s role is a counsellor-educator who builds relationships based on trust and equality.

• All problems and joy are interpersonal: Suffering and happiness both arise from relationships, making them the central focus of life and education.

• True worth is self-reliance: External validation (e.g., rewards, grades) creates dependence, turning individuals into “clockwork dolls” who cannot move without being wound up.

Topics

Recap: Adlerian Principles

• Problem behaviour is a direct plea for help, stemming from a student’s need to belong.

• External validation creates dependence, undermining self-reliance.

• Reward/punishment systems are “immature and violent” forms of control.

• Teacher happiness is a prerequisite for helping students; a “messiah complex” is a sign of a teacher’s own unresolved unhappiness.

Case Study: Adler’s Patient

• A patient with severe mental illness, committed for 8 years, recovered completely after 30 days of counselling with Adler.

• Adler’s Approach:

  • Spoke to her patiently as an equal, even when she was unresponsive.

  • When attacked, he offered no resistance and looked friendly, treating her as a friend in distress.

• Diagnosis: Her behaviour (barking, spitting) was a subconscious rebellion, keeping open a wound to her dignity from being treated “like a dog.”

• Insight: The patient was “keeping the wound open with her own hands,” highlighting the self-perpetuating nature of psychological pain.

Core Principle: Education as Friendship

• The case study’s lesson: the teacher’s role is a counsellor-educator who interacts with students as a friend.

• Friendship vs. Friendliness:

  • Friendship is a genuine relationship built on trust.

  • Friendliness is a superficial act.

• My Good School Retreat Example:

  • Living with students in a hostel fostered a deep connection.

  • A student’s question (“Why do you have such a glow?”) demonstrated the trust and purity of this friendship.

Adler’s Life Tasks & Interpersonal Psychology

• Adler’s three life tasks (Work, Friendship, Love) are all interpersonal.

• Premise: All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.

  • Rationale: Suffering (conflict, envy, loneliness) arises only in relation to others.

  • Corollary: All joy is interpersonal relationship joy.

• Friendship’s Role:

  • Definition: “In friendship, we see with the eyes of another, listen with the ears of another, and feel with the heart of another.”

  • Friendship is the primary setting for developing “community feeling”—a sense of belonging and contribution.

  • School is the first place children learn about friendship and community.

Q&A: Practical Application

• Q: Should grades and awards be removed?

  • A: The focus should shift from “work” as a task to “work” as a relationship. True education is reading with reflection, which builds relationships.

• Q: What is “insanity”?

  • A: In the text, it refers to the youth’s perception that the philosopher’s ideas about love and relationships are “madness.”

Next Steps

• Sandeep Dutt:

  • Share Adler’s friendship quote in the group chat.

• All Participants:

  • Reflect on Adler’s definition of friendship.

  • Invite a friend to the next masterclass.

• 
  
• FATHOM AI-generated notes

Freedom and Interpersonal Relationships

Read And Lead

To read and discuss Adlerian psychology concepts from The Courage to Be Disliked.

Key Takeaways

• New Reading Process: Screen-sharing the book via read.amazon.com is now standard. This ensures everyone is on the same page, eliminates the need for physical books, and improves focus.
• Adler's Three Tasks: Life's core challenges are Work, Friendship, and Love. Love is the most difficult, requiring treating partners as "equal personalities" to avoid the distrust and control that destroy relationships.
• The "Life Lie": People create excuses (e.g., disliking someone) to avoid these tasks. This is a failure of courage, not a moral flaw, and is rooted in a self-chosen lifestyle rather than past trauma (teleology vs. aetiology).
• Rejecting Recognition: Seeking external validation is a trap that forces one to live for others' expectations, suppressing one's "I-ness." True freedom comes from self-validation and the "separation of tasks."

Process Update: Screen-Sharing

• Problem: Physical books create friction (different page numbers, bookmarks, dual-screen juggling), hindering group focus and excluding participants without a copy.
• Solution: Screen-share the book via read.amazon.com.
• Rationale: This ensures everyone is on the same page, simplifies navigation, and removes the need for physical books.
• Training: Sandeep guided Gurdeep through the process, demonstrating how to use the in-browser Kindle reader and its chapter navigation menu.

Adler's Three Life Tasks

The book's core concept: life's three unavoidable interpersonal tasks.

1. Work: A relationship with no workplace compulsion.

2. Friendship: A relationship difficult to initiate or deepen.

Key Insight: Depth and distance are more valuable than the number of acquaintances.

Action: Change yourself first; others will adapt.

3. Love: The most difficult task, divided into two stages:

Love Relationships:

• Problem: The closeness of love can lead to restriction and jealousy.
• Adler's View: Restriction is a manifestation of distrust and control.
• Solution: Treat partners as "equal personalities" to foster a calm, natural state of freedom.
• Parent-Child Relationships:
• Problem: A non-optional relationship ("rigid chains") that is fundamentally harder than a love relationship ("red string").
• Action: Face distressful relationships directly; avoidance is the worst option.

The "Life Lie" & Courage

• Concept: People invent pretexts to avoid life tasks, shifting responsibility to others or the environment. Example: Disliking someone is a goal chosen before finding their flaws, as a way to prevent an interpersonal relationship.
• Rationale: This is a failure of courage, not a moral flaw.

Adlerian Psychology: A "psychology of use" (teleology), where one chooses a lifestyle, not a "psychology of possession" (aetiology) determined by the past.

The Desire for Recognition

Problem: The Youth's parents' expectations created pressure and a desire for their recognition.

Adler's View: The desire for recognition is a trap that must be denied.

Mechanism: It stems from "reward and punishment education," where one acts appropriately only for praise.

Consequence: This leads to living for others' expectations, suppressing one's "I-ness."

Solution: True freedom comes from self-validation and the "separation of tasks," a concept to be explored next.

Group Reflection

Shalini: Freedom is the absence of needing external validation.

Latha: The need for validation can stem from uncertainty, but it also creates a dependency that fuels inferiority.

Minakshi: Both inferiority and superiority complexes arise from seeking external validation. Self-validation is the key to confidence.

Sandeep: A child learns to walk alone, not for validation. This natural process is often conditioned by adult reactions.

Community Updates

Yesterday's Session: A "brewing knowledge set" session with Dr Manu Kapoor was highly successful.

Potential Collaboration: Dr Kapoor may partner with Learning Forward to improve teaching and learning systems.

Community Model: Learning Forward and the Good Schools Alliance are community-driven, with participants joining for shared purpose, not salary.

Next Steps

All: Reflect on the nature of freedom and the "separation of tasks."

All: Read the newsletter and review the show notes for the Dr Manu Kapoor video.

Group: Continue reading from the "Separation of Tasks" section next session.

Hope and Friendship - Sukhpreet Kaur

 Hope and Friendship

“Sweet is the memory of distant friends! Like the mellow rays of the departing sun, it falls tenderly, yet sadly, on the heart.” – Washington Irving

Every child has the power to succeed in school and in life and every parent, family member and caregiver can help. In school story telling is the best way to hone skills in the students. We have a DEAR reading session.

D- Drop 

E-everything

A-and

R- Read

One day during a library reading session, our school librarian narrated a story to the students where she discussed the life of ocean animals. She narrated a story of a whale- A whale helps smaller sea creatures who are trapped in plastic waste. On land a young boy seeks support to clear the sea in his area. Fishermen come to his aid and many boats start to help clear the plastic from the sea. This story of hope and friendship opens the gate of hope for my students. They themselves made groups and started with the story session. Students gave names to their groups on the basis of colors. Green group shared a short story on hope. There is a beautiful example of sowing a seed of bamboo and fern. Bamboo will take 5-6 years to come above the ground; on the other hand, fern will grow within a year.

Our values and life should have deep roots like bamboo. Never lose hope and be patient.

Red group shared a story on True Friends

The dream of two childhood friends was to grow up and serve the country by joining the army. Both fulfilled their dream and joined the army. Very soon he also got an opportunity to serve the country. War broke out and they were sent to battle. Going there, both bravely faced the enemies. A friend was badly injured during the battle. When another friend came to know about this, he ran to save his injured friend. Then his captain stopped him and said, "There is no point in going there now. By the time you get there, your friend will be dead." But he did not agree and went to pick up his injured friend. When he came back, he had a friend on his shoulder. But he was dead. Seeing this, the Captain said, "I told you that there is no point in going there. You could not bring your friend safely. Your departure was in vain." The soldier replied, "No sir, I was not in vain to go there to pick him up. When I reached him, smiling and looking into my eyes, he said – friend, I was sure you would come. These were his last words. I could not save him. But the faith he had in me and my friendship saved him."

Reading significantly helps brain development and encourages a strong, emotional bond between children. 

Sukhpreet Kaur

Gyanshree School

Hope and Friendship - Roopa Bhattacharyya and Mridula Renjit

A child who has lost hope

In Primary classes, there generally are no children who have lost hope. But if there is such a child, the child will feel left out. She will not participate in group activities, which will affect learning outcomes. She will feel demotivated to even come to school. The unhappiness will affect all learning areas like reading, numeracy, awareness, observation and communication.

The intervention on the teacher's side is, first of all, the identification of the child. The child will be made to sit with a vivacious child who will try to rope her into activities. Conscious efforts will be made to engage her in classroom discussions.

One-on-one discussion with the child about why the child feels less hope. If there is a specific incident or incident, it will be discussed and dealt with. All the other subject teachers and activity teachers will be sensitized about the child so that all efforts are synchronized. A lot of encouragement and a rewarding small attempt by the child will help fill the child with hope.

Lastly, the parents and friends will also be part of this project, so everyone is in sync.

A child who has no friends

Friends are what childhood is punctuated with, and a child with no friends is indeed a sad thing which calls for intervention. Such a child will find no interest in coming to school and lag behind in

learning parameters. There was one such child in our class; let us call him X. He hardly ever smiled and showed no interest in work, play, or other class activities. It was observed that the child did not mingle with anyone, not even during the lunch period. So the child was talked to, which revealed the sad reason that the child had been in a coma for the past 2 years.

The child was assigned a buddy to share lunch with him, play with him, and engage him in group games during lunch break. X was encouraged to participate in group recitation and plays, which he slowly started participating in as he felt less threatened in such situations. The other subject and activity teachers were also sensitized about the child so that all efforts were synchronized. By the end of the session, X had made a few friends and started looking happy.

Mridula Renjit

Roopa Bhattacharyya
Ahlcon Public School

Hope and Friendship - Shalini Solanki

Hope and Friendship go hand in hand. These two values make the world move with the courage to face difficult situations and times. A friend is the one who gives us hope to rise whenever life is unfair. Friendship is a  bright house of hope where no one is left alone in the darkness of loneliness. 

A student who has lost all hope and has no friends in school 

In every teacher's life, there are times when he/ she gets to meet a child with less confidence, hope and sometimes No Hope. This reminds me of a student in the current session of my class. I met her for the first time a week after this session's beginning. She was a quiet child with no friends. Though she was not a new student but still hesitant to speak with anyone. I went to say to her, but she was not really comfortable talking to me. I thought of giving her some time, assuming her being uncomfortable in the new class and meeting her new mentor. We started revising the concepts of the previous grade and observed that she got restless in class with the thought that the teacher might ask her a question. I did exactly what she was scared of. I asked her a question regarding numbers, and she was quiet. She was so negative and hopeless that she didn't focus on the question. I was just asking her to recognize a simple number. She knew the answer already but didn't have trust in herself that she could give the correct answer. I didn't pressure her but tried to learn more about her from the previous year's mentors and get in touch with the parents. I knew that she was irregular in school, because of which she was missing concepts. Her father is in sales and generally out of town, and her mother has delivered a baby. Nobody has time to speak to her. As she is irregular in school, she has no friends. She had no confidence, hope or friends.

I decided to do something to change her mindset. I used to ask her questions and move on to the other students very quickly without saying anything to her or giving her any look after receiving no answer from her. Then, I would call her separately at my table in every period for every subject. I would make her understand the concepts and discuss the answers separately. I became her friend and created a trust that I would never make fun of her, and together, we will learn everything. She started giving me the answers, and gradually, she became confident enough to answer in front of the entire class. She now positively takes any feedback. The full class is her friend now. She knows that we are there to help her whenever she needs help and support her in every situation. She is sure that no one will make fun of her and treat her as inferior. She is now at par with other students. The magic of friendship brings her to school every day. She is bright and full of hope. Here,  we got support from her parents as well. They have been sending her regularly to school. She is not missing on concepts, which has created hope that She  Can and She Will….

Shalini Solanki

Gyanshree School

Hope and Friendship - Nitin Sharma

 
A student who has lost all hope

As we know, hope sustains life. Without hope, darkness seems to be all around.

I would like to share one incident from my teaching experience about an encounter with a child who lost all hope in life. Minki was a thirteen-year-old girl studying in the class tenth and was an average student. It was the time of Diwali break that the school was closed. But then, even after the break, Minki didn’t come to school for quite long. Later, I got unprecedented news from one of my colleagues about the sudden demise of Minki’s father due to a silent attack.

A month passed, and she still didn’t attend school. Being in the board class, the main concern was her academic lag. So, I called her mother and talked about her absence from school. She kept on saying that Minki would attend the school soon, but...

Having passed another week, One day, I finally decided to see her and know why she did not come to school. Upon meeting her, I came to know that after her father’s death, this girl had lost all her hope to move ahead due to her bond with him; moreover, he was the sole bread earner. Minki’s mother had tried to console Minki many times that she would make the best possible effort to run the family and not let them suffer. But the girl had lost all her faith and wanted to discontinue her study. With all my best possible efforts, I persuaded that girl to join the school and continue her study to eventually support her family. She then joined the class the next day, but she kept saying she wouldn’t be able to clear the exam. Since she was the very lovable daughter of her father, she couldn’t cope with the significant loss. She always seemed to be disturbed. Seeing her this way, I consoled Minki and motivated her to do something for her father’s sake. All her teachers were supportive of her and encouraged her to move ahead. Whenever she needed help, all were ready to assist her. Even some of the students were quite helpful to her. They helped Minki to complete her work and even during revision time. Eventually, She appeared in the exam and got good marks in the board exam.

Impact: The child was able to come out of a challenging situation with consistent efforts by the teacher.

The teachers dealt with the students with love, care and encouragement.

Advice to the Educators: Values like Patience, love, and care help deal with such situations.

A student with no friends in the school

“A real friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” — Walter Winchell.

Here I would like to share the story of a girl.

Sara was a new student in her class. She joined the school during the Remote Learning Era. After the pandemic guidelines were eased, schools reopened, online classes were no more, and all students were called for offline classes. It was observed that Sara used to stay alone, and even during the lunch break, she would sit and eat alone. She always had complaints about other students in her class. Later, when the students were asked about the complaints against them, they were all found innocent. And it was found that Sara was not able to adjust herself in the class due to social immaturity. She couldn’t talk well with a group of students. In this context, the School counsellor was involved, and she had taken some counselling sessions for Sara. Later, some improvement was seen, and we saw Sara moving with her friends in the school playground and during Lunch time. She started sharing her food with others. Her mother was also requested to help her cope by taking her to some social gatherings and letting her spend some time in the park or with her nearby friends to overcome this hesitation.

Impact: Sara became confident and a cooperative student.

Advice: Please try to help the child adjust to new surroundings. Be empathetic, helpful and kind.

Nitin Sharma Kamla Nehru Pubilc School, Phagwara

Hope and Friendship - Anvesha Rana

Hope is the little ray of sunshine that peaks into our lives every morning. It is the reason we jump out of bed in the hope for a good day, it is the event we look forward to in the hope for a good time and it is the reason we love and care for people in the hope for a good family. We grow, we fall, we change, we love, we struggle all in the hope of a Good Life. Happily Operating for Pleasant Expectations is Hope. 

No one can ever be Hopeless, like there's something about the flower that grows through the rocks, the pavement; through logs and stone or brick walls, there’s also something about each student who grows in tough situations and it’s all because of hope. Hope should be stubborn like a Hit-me toy, no matter how hard we are hit, how badly we fall yet we come up again with more strength and vigor because we are Hopeful. 

Another important value in a classroom is Friendship. It is silent, transparent and simple, it is what it is. We may be close together or miles apart, but we will always remember them and they are our friends. Friendship is a two-way street and not a one-way road, it should include love, care and sacrifice from both sides. We don’t lose track if we are friends, we start from where we stopped. 

A classroom is simply four walls with teachers and students but what makes these four walls a place that oozes with learning is the friendships that flourish in it and the hopes that everyone holds inside it. Hope and Friendship are the building blocks of a classroom.

Anvesha Rana, 

Grade 10-B, 

Gyanshree School

Quality and Love - Reah Sikand

Love and Quality are two great values or feelings that a child must have. Children understand the language of love better than any adult. When a child feels secure and loves, he performs much better in class and grows up to be a lovely human being. All living things need love and care. I had a child in class 3 who would score fewer marks in English, I would often hear teachers getting upset with her. I decided to help her out in her free time. I was patient and loving towards her. I was surprised to know that she had done much better in English papers that year. When a child is scared of their teacher or parent, they get uncomfortable to ask questions and do not perform their best. On the other hand, when an adult is loving, kids feel more comfortable communicating with them. Love is something every individual craves for.

Quality in the class depends on the potential of each child. Every kid has its own capabilities, and the last thing we adults should do is compare the kids to each other. In my class, I ask the kids to help each other in their studies. This makes their bond and friendship stronger.

With age, I have realised the importance of quality over quantity. Like I tell the kids, when you do something, give it your hundred per cent or don’t do it. Sometimes when I enter class, the kids are not in the mood to study and o respect that, and we have a fun class or watch some interesting videos on the screen.

We as teachers teach the kids various things, but the kids are the best teachers for us as well.

If a child does a shoddy job with her classwork, I will sit with that kid alone and try and understand the reason for it, maybe I did not teach the topic well, and she found it difficult to do her homework, and I will sit with the kid and teach her the topic one on one where she can freely tell me what her doubts are.

In a situation where boys and girls are together, there is bound to be a romantic relationship, which is normal. We need to normalise such situations. I would talk to the student and tell them it’s absolutely fine, but certain limits should not be crossed; otherwise, that could lead to many problems for the kid. 

- Reah Sikand, The Doon Girls' School, Dehradun

Hope and Friendship - Visionary JMMS

Hope is that value in life that never lets you stop believing.

When the journey of life is going through the dark tunnel, hope is that spark of light at the end, which keeps you moving forward despite the hardships. It helps you to believe that there is a new morning after a dark night.

Friendship is a quite strong bond. It is a beautiful relationship that you have chosen. Friends are the ones who help, correct, encourage, motivate, inspire, influence and guide you. They have the magic to fill happiness in the darkest of times.

"A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails ".
- Donna Roberts

This is a true story of a teacher. Her friends came into her life when she had lost all hopes; they believed in her and helped her in her dream journey. The friends became the light of hope in her life's dark phase and remained by her side. She eventually became what she always wanted to be. The story tells us, let your hopes and not your hurts shape your future.

Visionary JMMS at the John Martyn Memorial School, Salangaon, Dehradun 

- Neelam Bhardwaj, Pareenita Negi, Manmohan Kaur, Ambica Gurung and  Bharti Dangwal

Hope and Friendship - Aspiration JMMS

Brad Henry once said, " a good teacher can inspire hope, ignite the imagination and instil a love for learning."

Hope is the greatest happiness for all and a great remedy for all despair and grief. It is hoped that we can wait for tomorrow and is only the commodity that is never-ending and is omnipresent. 

A friend in need is a friend indeed a very famous quote heard by everyone. Friendship is the greatest bond that everyone should have in their lives; they are friends who are with us in our thick and thin situations. 

We present true incidents on hope and friendship. This highlights the bond and a light of hope that a teacher bestows on the child. 

Aspiration JMMS at the John Martyn Memorial School Salangaon Dehradun - Renu Raturi, Sandhya Thadani, Sonali Sharma and Asha Devi

Hope and Friendship - Magnets DGS

"A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide and whose opinion we can value at once for its justness and its sincerity." Robert Hall

Everyone hopes for friendship. Hope comes with faith that the friend will be loyal, honest and trustworthy.
As children, we wish to possess certain material things- toys, chocolates or even good marks. As adults, our wishes may change to more materialistic things like cars, houses, etc. A wish may push you to work aggressively towards it.

Hope is a dream, a desire, a belief that helps you stay calm and peaceful. Hope is accompanied by faith. You hope for a happy and peaceful life, good health, family and friends. You enjoy the company of your friends. The friendship that develops during school days lasts forever. You may not meet each other regularly after leaving school, but the bond is always there. The various alumni associations are proof. There is no age bar in friendship, an eight-year-old and an eight-year-old may get along well. A strong bond of friendship and understanding may be witnessed even with a pet. Good friends are honest and loyal; they stay with you, accept you, regardless of the circumstances. True friends give you honest advice and correct you when you are in the wrong. Mutual respect and admiration strengthen the bond of friendship between friends. Hope and friendship are important for mental health.

दोस्त शब्द में गूढ़ अर्थ छिपा है ,
जो दोस्तों के दोषों को अस्त कर देता है ,
वही सच्चा मित्र बन अपना धर्म निभाता है |
न कोई शिकवा न कोई आशा होती है ,
बस स्वेच्छा से त्याग की भावना होती है |        
                   दोस्ती में हर रोज़ मिलना जरूरी होता नहीं ,
                   बस एकबार दिल से रिश्ता जुड़ जाए
                   तो दोस्त कभी जुदा होता नहीं  |
                   एक सच्चा दोस्त कभी अपने दोस्त के
                   रास्ते में आता नहीं  ,
                   अगर एक गलत हो तो दूसरा हाथ पकड़
                   कभी छोड़ता नहीं |  
प्रेम और त्याग की डोर से जुड़ी एक “ विश्वास ” है दोस्ती ,
क्योंकि दुनियाँ के सभी रिश्तों में बड़ी “ खास ” है दोस्ती |
इतिहास गवाह है इस बात का कि...................
मित्रता में कोई जात-पात या ऊँच-नीच नहीं है होता ,
बस प्रेम , त्याग और विश्वास निभाया है जाता |
श्री कृष्ण –सुदामा के रिश्तों को कौन भुला है पाया  ?
बिन आशा और शर्तों के , राज-पाट मित्र सुदामा पर लुटाया  |
                  महाभारत के धर्म युद्ध में , कर्ण - दुर्योधन से
                  नि:स्वार्थ मित्रता देख ,सबने मान लिया लोहा उसका | 
बस अंत में इतना कहना है कि मित्रता में आशा रखना स्वाभाविक होता है और एक मित्र का दूसरे मित्र की आशा को पूरा करना उसका दायित्व होता है ||

Magnets DGS: Kiran Juyal, Manju Srivastava, Mezhu Chopra, Pooja Sharma and Renu Sundriyal

The Doon Girls' School, Dehradun