Passive Love & Self-Centeredness vs Active Love & Self-Reliance

 

Masterclass with Sandeep Dutt

To explore Adlerian philosophy on love, self-reliance, and community feeling. Reading “The Courage To Be Happy” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

Key Takeaways

• Love is an active “art of loving,” not a passive emotion. It’s a task for two people to build an inseparable “us,” a concept distinct from self-interest (“me”) or other-interest (“you”).

• Self-reliance is breaking away from self-centeredness. This means shedding the “pampered child” mindset of using weakness to manipulate others, and instead embracing a sense of community.

• Happiness is a subjective “feeling of contribution.” This sense of being useful to someone provides a true awareness of one’s worth and belonging.

• Adlerian concepts are interconnected. Love enables self-reliance, which, in turn, fosters a sense of community—the core of a happy life.

Topics

The Problem: Passive Love & Self-Centeredness

• “Falling in love” is a passive emotion driven by a desire to possess, like a material object. This is a temporary state, not the active, sustained effort required for true love.

• Self-centeredness is a default human state.

  • As infants, we are “dictators” who use weakness (crying) to control adults and ensure survival.

  • Many adults remain “pampered children,” using their weakness or trauma as a weapon to manipulate others.

The Solution: Active Love & Self-Reliance

• Love is an active “art of loving” (per Adler and Erich Fromm), not an art of being loved. It is a difficult, conscious task.

• Love is a task two people undertake to build an “inseparable us.”

  • This “us” is a new subject of life, superseding individual happiness.

  • Work relationships: Driven by self-interest (“my happiness”).

  • Friend relationships: Driven by other-interest (“your happiness”).

  • Love relationships: Driven by the happiness of the “us.”

• Self-reliance is breaking away from self-centeredness.

  • This liberation from the “me” mindset is what allows for true love and acceptance of the world.

  • It is the core goal of education in Adlerian psychology.

The Outcome: Happiness & Community Feeling

• Happiness is a “feeling of contribution.”

  • It’s a subjective sense of usefulness to someone that provides a true awareness of one’s worth and belonging.

  • This feeling is developed through work and friendships.

• Adlerian concepts are interconnected:

  • Love → Liberation from “me” → Self-reliance → Community feeling.

  • The “us” of a couple expands to the entire community and human race.

The Teachers Academy Updates

• Recent Sessions:

  • “Right vs. Wrong: Handling Teenage Challenges”

  • “Using AI to Identify Out-of-School Girls” (book: Every Last Girl)

• New Onboardings: Satguru International School and John Martyn Memorial School.

• Upcoming Events:

  • Sunday School with Kartik sir (Mental Health) and Brinda Mam (book reading).

  • 10 retreats in Dehradun and 10 national workshops planned.

Next Steps

• Manisha: Publish Pushpendra’s video blog today.

• All Interns: Review Pushpendra’s blog and reflect on its connection to today’s session on love.

• All Participants:

  • Join Sunday School.

  • Read The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.

  • Suggest books for future masterclasses.

• Sandeep: Continue reading the book on May 23, 2026.

FATHOM AI-generated notes.

We must think about the human love that is neither divine nor animal

Masterclass with Sandeep Dutt

Discussing Adlerian psychology and the nature of love from The Courage to be Happy.

Key Takeaways

• Adler’s “Community Feeling” vs. Freud’s “Death Drive”: Adler’s psychology, formed while a WWI medical officer, proposes that conflict is prevented by seeing others as comrades—a direct counterpoint to Freud’s theory of an innate destructive impulse.

• “Give, and It Shall Be Given”: True respect is earned by giving it first, not by demanding it. This “giving conduct” requires a spirit of abundance, not a “beggar of the spirit” mentality that waits to receive.

• Love as a “Human” Task: Love is not a passive “falling into” but an active “building up” through will and effort. This “human love” is distinct from both “divine” (lofty, impractical) and “animal” (instinctual) forms.

• “The Literacy Project”: A new initiative to extend the NEP’s focus on quality literacy. It has three pillars: Financial Literacy, Food Literacy, and the Human Edge in AI.

Topics

Adler’s “Community Feeling”

• Adler’s psychology was shaped by his WWI service as a medical officer, where he felt like a “prisoner” treating soldiers to return them to the front lines.

• This experience led him to propose “community feeling”—the awareness of all people as comrades—as a way to prevent conflict.

• This contrasts with Freud’s “death drive” (Thanatos), which posits an innate destructive impulse.

• Core Principle: “The important thing is not what one is born with, but what views one makes of that equipment.”

• Actionable Advice: Start building community feeling with the person in front of you, regardless of their cooperation. This small, everyday accumulation of confidence is the only place to begin.

“Give, and It Shall Be Given.”

• The text addresses a teacher’s feeling of being disrespected by students and society.

• Analogy: Giving respect is like giving money. Only those with an abundance of spirit can give freely; waiting to receive first is being a “beggar of the spirit.”

• Adlerian Principle: “Give, and it shall be given unto you.”

• Outcome: Feeling useful through contribution provides intrinsic respect, eliminating the need to seek external validation.

The “Literacy Project”

• A new initiative to extend the NEP’s focus on quality literacy, driven by the Principle that “joy of giving will translate into joy of learning.”

• Three Pillars:

  1. Financial Literacy: Understanding money, saving, and giving.

  2. Food Literacy: Understanding food choices and their impact.

  3. Human Edge in AI: Exploring the unique human skills that remain vital.

• Partnerships: Surya Kant will collaborate on financial literacy; other partners will focus on food literacy. A school from Vatrali will also participate.

Love as a “Human” Task

• The discussion shifts to love as the final, most difficult life task.

• Common View: Love is a passive “falling into” an uncontrollable impulse.

• Adlerian View: Love is an active “building up” through will and effort, not a prescribed destiny.

• Three Types of Love:

  • Divine: Lofty, impractical, religious.

  • Animal: Instinctual, driven by subconscious urges.

  • Human: A practical, active choice that is neither divine nor animal.

• Key Quote for Reflection: “We must think about the human love that is neither divine nor animal.”

Next Steps

• Gurdeep Kaur: Write a reflection on the quote, “We must think about the human love that is neither divine nor animal.”

• All Participants: Share reflections on the quote in the masterclass group.

• Sandeep Dutt: Post the quote in the group to prompt discussion.

• Sandeep Dutt & Surya Kant: Meet in Dehradun to strategise the Financial Literacy pillar of the Literacy Project.

FATHOM AI-generated notes.

Shifting from Competition to Cooperation

Masterclass with Sandeep Dutt

Reading The Courage To Be Happy by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

To explore the book’s core argument: shifting from competition to cooperation.

Key Takeaways

• Praise is manipulation, not support. It creates a vertical, dictatorial relationship where the praiser judges the praised, fostering competition for approval.

• Competition is a “disease” that makes others enemies. It corrupts goals, leading to unfair tactics and a focus on defeating rivals instead of achieving personal bests.

• The solution is cooperation, built on “community feeling.” This inherent human need for connection stems from our physical weakness, which forces us to cooperate to survive.

• Problem behaviour is a symptom of a sick system, not a bad individual. The focus must shift from treating the individual to fixing the competitive environment.

Topics

The Problem: Praise & Competition

• The book argues against praise as a manipulative tool that creates a vertical, dictatorial relationship.

  • Example: A teacher’s praise (“It’s changed my opinion of you”) was a judgment from above that belittled the student’s full potential.

• This praise-based system fosters competition for the leader’s favour, turning peers into enemies.

  • Analogy: A marathon where the goal shifts from finishing to defeating rivals, leading to “gamesmanship” and unfair conduct.

The Solution: Cooperation & Community Feeling

• The alternative is a democratic classroom built on cooperation and “horizontal relationships.”

  • Horizontal relationships: All people are equal, regardless of ability or achievement.

  • Goal: See others as comrades, not rivals.

• This model treats problem behaviour as a symptom of a sick environment, not a bad individual.

  • Analogy: A classroom with “pneumonia” (competition) needs a systemic cure, not just individual treatment.

• The foundation for this cooperation is “community feeling”—an inherent human need for connection.

  • This need stems from our physical weakness, which forces us to cooperate to survive.

  • Conclusion: Our civilisation and power are direct results of our weakness, making cooperation a fundamental principle of life.

Next Steps

• Sandeep Dutt: Continue reading the book on April 11 at the My Good School Retreat in Jaipur.

• Manisha Khanna & Jugjiv Sir: Lead Sunday School on April 5 at 10:30 AM, reading “The Whistling School Boy” (Ruskin Bond) and “What You Are Looking For Is In The Library.”

• Shalini: Read the “Youth” part in the next session on April 11.

 FATHOM AI-generated summary, read with care.

Teachers must respect students unconditionally

Sandeep Dutt’s Masterclass 2026

February 21, 5:20 pm, 51 min

Sandeep Dutt led a masterclass on respect in education, emphasising its role in fostering interpersonal relationships. He stressed the need for teachers to respect students unconditionally, without imposing their own values. Dutt used the analogy of a flower bed to illustrate the diverse growth of students, underscoring that respect is practised, not preached. He also discussed social feeling, advocating concern for others’ concerns. The session featured insights from participants, including Naman and Subham, who shared their experiences and reflections on respect in teaching. The masterclass aimed to encourage respectful interactions and self-reliance in students.

We apologise again for the poor quality; due to unstable bandwidth at our studio in Dehradun this evening.

 

The Path Forward: Self-Acceptance & Contribution

Read And Lead: Masterclass 2026: Reading from the book The Courage To Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, with Sandeep Dutt.

Discuss Adlerian psychology concepts from The Courage to Be Disliked.

Key Takeaways

• Horizontal Relationships: Establish relationships as equals to foster trust and shared responsibility, replacing vertical hierarchies that create dependency and enable responsibility-shirking.
• Worth on the Level of Being: Value people for their existence, not just their actions. This mindset enables gratitude for all, including newborns and the bedridden, and provides a foundation for self-worth.
• Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Affirmation: Accept your current self (e.g., a 60% score) as a starting point for improvement, rather than using false positivity (self-affirmation) that can lead to a superiority complex.
• Courage to Be Disliked: Overcome self-consciousness and the fear of judgment by acting authentically. This courage is the key to building genuine relationships and achieving happiness.
• Topics

The Problem: Self-Consciousness & Vertical Relationships

The Youth's self-consciousness (fear of judgment) prevents authentic expression, creating a "straitjacket" that stifles their "innocent self."

This fear is rooted in vertical relationships, which create hierarchies and dependency.

Example: Following a boss's orders to avoid conflict and then blaming the boss for failure is a "life lie" that shirks personal responsibility.

The Youth feels worthless because their job (sorting books) is unskilled and replaceable, leading them to believe they are "no one else but me" and not uniquely needed.

The Solution: Horizontal Relationships & Worth on the Level of Being

Horizontal Relationships: Treat all people as comrades and equals in consciousness.

Rationale: A single genuine horizontal relationship can transform one's entire lifestyle, gradually making all other interactions horizontal.

Practicality: This is about mindset, not ignoring social structures. It means asserting oneself respectfully and taking responsibility.

Worth on the Level of Being: Value a person's existence, not just their actions.

Rationale: This counters the Youth's initial view that worth derives solely from being "of use," thereby devaluing newborns, the elderly, and the bedridden.

Example: A mother in critical condition is still "of use" by being alive, providing psychological support to her family.

Gratitude: Express gratitude for existence itself, not just for specific acts.

Example: Instead of comparing a child to a perfect ideal and subtracting points, start from zero and be grateful for who they are.

The Path Forward: Self-Acceptance & Contribution

Community Feeling: The ultimate goal of interpersonal relationships.

Components: Self-acceptance, confidence in others, and contribution to others.

Action: "Someone has to start." You must initiate cooperation without waiting for others.

Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Affirmation:

Self-Affirmation: False positivity ("I am 100%") that can lead to a superiority complex.

Self-Acceptance: Honestly accepting your current self (e.g., a 60% score) as a starting point for improvement.

Principle: Focus on what you can change and accept what you cannot. This is "affirmative resignation," echoing the Serenity Prayer.

Next Steps

All Participants:

Apply the principle of self-acceptance by focusing on what you can change and accepting what you cannot.

Practice building horizontal relationships by treating others as equals in consciousness.

Cultivate the "courage to be disliked" to overcome self-consciousness and act authentically.

Q&A WITH AUTHOR - How can I read better?

An extract from a book I am reading!

Q&A WITH AUTHOR

YJ: I love your book. It makes me feel like I'm successful by virtue of reading and I like this feeling. (laughs). It's totally my kind of book.

AR: Yes, absolutely. (laughs) Reading makes you see with clearer eyes and understand the world better. When you can do that, you become stronger - the feeling you associate with success. But at the same time, it gives you pain. Within the pages, there's much suffering, beyond what we've gone through in our finite experience of life. You'll read about suffering you didn't know existed. Having experienced their pain through words, it becomes a lot harder to focus on pursuing individual happiness and success. Reading makes you deviate further from the textbook definition of success because books don't make us go ahead of or above anyone else; they guide us to stand alongside others.

Y: I like that line - to stand alongside others.

AR: We become successful in other ways.

Y: How so?

AR: We become more compassionate. To read is to see things from someone else's perspective, and that naturally leads you to stop and look out for other people, rather than chase after success in the rat race. If more people read, I think the world would become a better place.

YJ: It's common to hear people say that they have no time to read but I believe you read a lot?

AR: Not really, about one book every two or three days.

YR: I call that reading a lot. (laughs)

AR: Really? (laughs) Being so busy, were usually left with only small pockets of time to read - perhaps in the morning, during lunch, in the evening after work and before we go to bed. But these pockets of time can add up to become something substantial.

XI: You mentioned that you usually read a few books at any one time.

AR: Yeah, I have a short attention span. I get bored and distracted easily, even if the book is interesting. So, when I start to feel restless, I'll switch to reading something else. I've been told that I'll mix up the plots, but so far, that has never happened.

X: I feel like I'll forget what I've read earlier by the the time I return to the previous book.

AR: Hmm... when I read, I don't obsess over the need to remember every detail. Of course, I'll need to remember the earlier bits to a certain extent, but that said, it's also unlikely that you have zero recollection of what happened. I usually recall most of it, but if my memory is a little hazy, I'll reread the bits I've underlined in pencil before I move on.

Y: Yes, I remember you mentioned in your book that there's no need to obsess over the details. But is it really okay? (laughs)

AR: (laughs) It's perfectly fine. Books are not meant to remain in your mind, but in your heart. Maybe they exist in your mind too, but as something more than memories. At a crossroads in life, a forgotten sentence or a story from years ago can come back to offer an invisible hand and guide you to a decision.

Personally, I feel like the books I've read led me to make the choices I've made in life. While I may not remember all the details, the stories continue to exert a quiet influence on me.

Y: That's very comforting to know. To be honest, I can't even recall much from the books I read just a month ago.

AR: Same for me, and I think most people will agree too.

Y: Some say were in an era where people no longer read. What do you think?

AR: While I was writing this book, I used Instagram for the first time. I was so pleasantly surprised by what I saw that I started to question who dreamt up the notion that people don't read these days? There are so many people on the app who are devouring books at an incredible pace, and it convinced me that readers aren't an extinct breed. That said, I know these Instagram readers are not representative of the average person and are probably a niche bunch. Some time back, I read this article claiming that half the adults in Korea don't even finish one book in a year. But when people don't read, you can't just call it a problem. It's not that straightfor-ward. Therere so many reasons: being busy, having no emotional bandwidth or time. It's because were living in such a suffocating society.

XT: Does that mean that until we create a more liveable society, it's going to be hard for people to read?

AR: Hmm... we can't just sit and wait for society to get better. If more people start to read, they'll be able to empathise with the pain of others and the world will become a better place sooner.

YJ: What can we do?

AR: It's not an issue I can solve. (laughs) But I believe that people still have an appetite for read-ing, and that they feel it's important to read. What about the people who want to read, but can't, for one reason or another?

YJ: ...

AR: As the age-old saying goes, the first step is always the hardest. (laughs) How do we start? Oh, is this the point where I should say I wrote the book with this group in mind? (laughs)

YJ: That's it? Not even a teaser? Come on, share something with us. How about the bit about using timers on days when you can't concentrate?

AR: Of course, I was just kidding. On days when you can't concentrate, ask yourself what's been on your mind recently. Humans are naturally motivated to be curious about things were interested in. For example, many of us want to quit our jobs. If you're thinking of quitting, read books written by people who've quit. There are many such books. If you want to emigrate, read stories about people who've moved across lands and oceans. If you're struggling with low self-esteem, have lost touch with a good friend or feel depressed, seek out books about that. But if you haven't read for a long while, it might be hard to concentrate, and you may get distracted easily. When I feel this way, I set a timer on my phone for twenty minutes. Until the timer rings, I'll focus on the book. Setting small restrictions like this adds a little tension that'll help us concentrate. Once the twenty minutes are up, we have the choice to stop reading, or if we want to go on a little longer, we can set a timer for another twenty minutes. If we do it three times, we have read for an hour already. Let's try to set the timer three times and complete an hour of reading every day.