Love, self-reliance, and destiny.

Masterclass

To discuss Adlerian psychology on love, self-reliance, and destiny. Reading from the book “The Courage to be Happy” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

Key Takeaways

• Childhood “Lifestyle for Being Loved”: Children adopt a “lifestyle for being loved” as a survival strategy, using behaviours (e.g., obedience, rebellion) to secure parental attention. This self-centred pattern can persist into adulthood, hindering true self-reliance.

• Love as Self-Reliance: True self-reliance is an attitude, not an economic state. It is achieved by loving others, thereby breaking the cycle of seeking approval and marking the transition to adulthood.

• “Destined One” as an Illusion: The belief in a “destined one” is a fantasy used to avoid the courage required for real relationships. Love is a decision, a promise, and a discipline built through effort, not a pre-ordained meeting.

• Subjectivity of Adler’s Sibling Theory: Adler’s birth-order tendencies are useful observations, not rigid determinants. Factors like parental conditioning and individual passion can override these patterns.

Topics

The “Lifestyle for Being Loved”

• Children adopt a “lifestyle for being loved” as a survival strategy, using behaviours to secure parental attention.

• This self-centred pattern can persist into adulthood, hindering true self-reliance.

• Examples of this lifestyle:

  • “Good Child”: Obeys parents to gain approval.

  • “Bad Child”: Rebels to garner attention, often with precise emotional control.

• True self-reliance is an attitude, not an economic state. It is achieved by loving others, thereby breaking the cycle of seeking approval and marking the transition to adulthood.

Adler’s Sibling Birth Order Theory

• Adler’s theory of birth-order tendencies provides a framework for understanding family dynamics, though it is not deterministic.

• Firstborn:

  • Monopolises parental attention before a sibling arrives.

  • May become a “worshipper of the past” (conservative, pessimistic) if unable to cope with the loss of power.

  • Can also develop into an excellent leader by learning cooperation.

• Second Child:

  • Has a “pacesetter” (older sibling) and a constant drive to catch up or surpass them.

  • Tends to be revolutionary, valuing the overthrow of existing powers.

  • Often stronger due to more experienced parents.

• Only Child:

  • Remains in a position of power, with parents as rivals for love.

  • May develop a “mother complex” and experience psychological anxiety from parental pressure.

The Illusion of the “Destined One”

• The belief in a “destined one” is a fantasy used to avoid the courage required for real relationships.

• People use this ideal to reject real candidates and avoid the risk of a deep connection.

• Adler’s View: Love is a decision, a promise, and a discipline built through effort.

• Metaphor: Love is a “dance of the now.” Happiness is found by engaging with the partner in front of you, not by waiting for a perfect one.

Discussion & Reflections

• Subjectivity of Adler’s Theory:

  • The theory is an observation, not a rigid rule.

  • Parental conditioning and individual passion can override birth-order tendencies.

• Defining Love:

  • Sandeep Dutt: Love is not an emotion or a transaction. It is giving without expectation of return.

  • Vishakha Bisht (Grade 6): Love is a decision to contribute, which removes fear and makes love real.

  • Pushpendra Singh Ranawat: Love is appreciation for another’s existence.

• Defining Courage:

  • Vibhor (Hillwoods Academy): Asked for a definition of courage, noting it seems present in both acceptance and denial.

  • Sandeep Dutt: Suggested reviewing the “Courage to be Disliked” sessions on the My Good School YouTube channel for a full answer.

Next Steps

• Sandeep Dutt:

  • Conclude the “The Courage to be” book series.

  • Launch the next series, “Human Edge in the Age of AI,” based on Nitin Seth’s book.

• Vibhor:

• Review “Courage to be Disliked” sessions on the My Good School YouTube channel to understand the full context of courage.

FATHOM AI-generated notes

Read And Lead - Happiness and Unhappiness

Why not join us next week?

We gathered to read  The Courage To Be Disliked, discuss Adlerian psychology and introduce Learning Forward's programs.

Key Takeaways

• Adlerian Teleology: We are not controlled by the past (Freudian etiology) but move toward goals we set (teleology). Unhappiness is a choice, not a result of circumstances.
• "Lifestyle" as a Choice: Personality is a chosen "lifestyle" (worldview and actions), not an unchangeable disposition. This choice, often made unconsciously around age 10, can be consciously re-chosen at any time.
• Courage to Change: Change requires courage to face the anxiety of an unknown future. Sticking to an unhappy but familiar lifestyle is a decision to avoid this fear.
• Learning Forward's Programs: The foundation offers three main programs: "Read and Lead" (Saturdays), "My Good School" (Sundays), and "The Teachers Academy" (professional learning).

Topics

Adlerian Psychology: Teleology vs. Etiology

• The book's core concept is Adlerian teleology, which rejects Freudian etiology.
• Etiology (Freud): We are controlled by past causes and trauma.
• Teleology (Adler): We are driven by future goals we set. The past is not a determinant; it is the meaning we attribute to it that shapes our present.
• Conclusion: Accepting etiology leads to nihilism and pessimism; embracing teleology affirms free will and the ability to change.

The Choice of Unhappiness

• The youth's desire to be like "Y" (a bright, social person) is identified as self-hatred and a wish to be reborn.
• The philosopher argues that unhappiness is a choice, not a result of circumstances.
• Socratic Paradox: "No one desires evil."
• Agathon (good) → beneficial.
• Kakon (evil) → not beneficial.
• People choose unhappiness because they perceive it as beneficial (e.g., avoiding rejection or criticism).

"Lifestyle" as a Chosen Personality

• Adlerian psychology uses "lifestyle" to describe personality and disposition.
• Lifestyle: A chosen worldview and outlook on life, not an unchangeable trait.
• This choice is often made unconsciously around age 10, influenced by environment.
• Implication: Since it's a choice, it can be re-chosen at any time.

The Courage to Change

• People often resist change because it is scary and creates anxiety about an unknown future.
• The Novelist Analogy: A friend dreams of being a novelist but uses a busy job as an excuse not to write.
• Reason: To avoid the possibility of rejection and keep the dream of "I could do it if I tried" alive.
• Conclusion: Unhappiness is not a lack of competence, but a lack of courage to be happy. Life is decided in the present moment.

Learning Forward Foundation Programs

• Mission: Cultivate a community of readers and learners.
• "Read and Lead" (Saturdays):
• This session, part of "The Teachers Academy," is a weekly reading of The Courage to be Disliked.
• Goal: Provide a dedicated space for mental grooming and reflection.
• "My Good School" (Sundays):
• Open to all ages (9–90) for reading and reflection.
• "The Teachers Academy":
• A professional learning program for educators.
• Benefits: Access to Friday/Saturday sessions, mentorship, and a certificate of appreciation.
• Contribution: A fee enables the foundation to fund "learning labs" and support teachers in economically disadvantaged schools.
• Good Schools Alliance (GSA):
• A membership for entire schools, providing access to all resources, retreats, and pilot programs.

Next Steps

• Participants:
• Join the "Read and Lead Masterclass 2026" WhatsApp community for updates.
• Consider joining "The Teachers Academy" to access all programs.
• Attend the "My Good School" session on Sunday (link will be shared).
• Khushi (Student):
• Write a reflection on the session for publication on the happyteacher.inblog.
• Manisha (Admin):
• Share the Sunday session link in the "Read and Lead" WhatsApp group.

Session Recording

✨ REFLECTION ✨Session 02 of the Book Reading:

The Courage To Be Disliked 📕🔖

by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga*In this session, we delved into The First Night: Deny Trauma 🌙✨—a profound exploration of how to liberate ourselves from the shackles of the past. Through the timeless wisdom of Socrates and Adler, we were challenged to ask ourselves: Are you truly comfortable in your own skin? The session brought to light a striking truth—unhappiness is often a choice we make unwittingly, and many resist change simply out of habit or fear. It became clear that our lives are not dictated by past events but are forged in the crucible of the present moment.⭐ The session was not merely an intellectual exercise; it was a rich tapestry woven with philosophical insights and an enriching vocabulary that broadened our horizons. 🏷️⭐ A highlight was the dynamic dialogue between a Philosopher and a Youth, brilliantly enacted by Sandeep Sir and Gurdeep Ma’am—injecting life and warmth into complex concepts, making the experience both enlightening and engaging. 🎬🌷💎🪩 My Takeaways 🪩This journey gifted me with far more than new words—it bestowed a treasure trove of reflection-worthy concepts. 📎🔖 I realized that self-acceptance does not equate to complacency; rather, it is the fertile soil from which personal growth must spring. 🤍⚡There's no need for comparison or pretending to be someone else. The real victory lies in boldly stepping into the world as my authentic self. 😃✨I close this reflection with heartfelt gratitude to all mentors and fellow participants. Special thanks to Sandeep Sir for inspiring me to embark on this empowering reading journey—the most rewarding investment of time yet. 🎀💌📍With sincere regards,

Khushi

(A little reader with an insatiable thirst for knowledge) 💎🤍

- Khushi Kumari, Lotus Petal Foundation

What Makes A School? - Paul Puthvenveetil Variath

I would look at schools as holistic well-being centres where children are taught how they wish to learn, addressing not only academic needs but also mental health, physical fitness, and social development. This approach fosters a healthy and balanced lifestyle, personalised teacher-student solid learning, fostering strong teacher-student relationships and a sense of community. 

Schools must be cultural exchange centres, connecting students globally through virtual classrooms and exchange programs promoting a deep understanding of diverse cultures and perspectives. Teachers play a pivotal role in the moulding of children into responsible citizens. I can summarise what a classroom should look like with the following analogy. 

In a garden, seeds are planted carefully, providing the right conditions for growing. Similarly, in a child-friendly classroom, educators plant the seeds of curiosity and love for learning. The environment is nurturing and conducive to the natural growth of each child's inquisitive mind. Just as plants thrive in sunlight, children flourish in an atmosphere of positive reinforcement.

Recognition, praise, and rewards act as the sunlight that encourages their intellectual and emotional growth. A garden is where diverse flowers bloom, each with a unique colour and fragrance.

A child-friendly classroom cultivates various interests and talents, allowing each child to bloom in their own way. Just as solid roots support plants, supportive relationships between teachers, students, and peers form the foundation of a child-friendly classroom. These roots provide stability and nourishment for emotional and social well-being. Gardens experience different seasons, each contributing to the life cycle of plants. 

Classrooms embrace changing "seasons" of learning, incorporating diverse activities, themes, and approaches that keep education dynamic and engaging. Just as a garden yields a harvest, the classroom aims to cultivate students' unique strengths and contributions to a rich harvest of knowledge. Teachers, Parents, and Students, like eager gardeners, participate in the joyous process of reaping the rewards of their learning efforts. In a garden, weeds can hinder the growth of plants. So it is in a child-friendly classroom. 

Teachers work to identify and eliminate obstacles to learning, creating a space where children can thrive without unnecessary hindrances. Like fertiliser enhances soil fertility, a positive classroom environment acts as the nourishment that fuels a child's academic and personal growth. Encouraging positivity and mutual respect creates a fertile ground for learning. A diverse garden is visually appealing and ecologically rich. Similarly, a child-friendly classroom celebrates diversity, recognising each student's strengths and contributions and creating a vibrant and inclusive learning community.

PAUL PUTHENVEETIL VARIATH
ADDITIONAL DIRECTOR-QCR&D
Email:qcghead@sunbeamschools.co.in

The Masterclass 2024 opened on the 7th day of January 2024, and this is the maiden Reflection by Paul.

REFLECTION - Food for thought!

Word Association: List 5 words that come to your mind when hearing the word, school? (Building, books, admin, teachers, work, students, learning, break, competitions, exams.)

If the school is the body, then the admin, buildings and rules are the bones, and the people (teachers, students and others) are the flesh and blood.

So, can we say that the School is a Community, Place of Work, Place of Learning, Sharing and Conscious Engagement… a mini version of the play of life with everyone involved playing their role?

If yes, can we say that the lead of each person’s role in the school is, in some ways, in their hands by how they fulfil their role?

How does that make you feel? (Liberated? Renewed? Burdened? Responsible? Afraid? Excited? Curious?)

Simplicity and Trust - Shivani Rao

Simplicity is straightforwardness. It means to be the way you are. Being simple means avoiding complexity. Simplicity is an essential ingredient to build trust. Simplicity assists you in creating clear goals, focusing on your actions, and getting done. Today's generation is full of showoffs. It is important to involve the simplicity of thoughts in a kid's life. If you look around you will feel that society is very much affected by appearance. If you have a good appearance, you are appreciated in society.

We need to make our kids understand :

- that never judge on the basis of someone's appearance.

- never make someone uncomfortable if he /she is having a simple lifestyle.

- keep your goal/ work simply in order to achieve.

- while having conversation keep things simple to make people understand.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Trust must be shown & reciprocated from one person to another. Trusting someone refers to the acceptance of truth without any evidence.  In society, we are connected through relations and relations are developed on the basis of trust, respect, love & honesty. These four ingredients help to make a sweet dish called trust.

While talking about trust, there are four branches of trust :                                                

 1. Trust yourself - Self-trust means taking care of your needs & safety, you trust yourself to survive in any situation.  It means you refuse to give up on yourself. It increases your confidence.                    

2.  Trust in god- Believing in positive energy even when you lose. Having faith in God that something amazing is planned for you. 

3. Trust in relation - When you believe that your person will never break, they will never be dishonest with you.                                                            

4.  Trust in society - Trusting people whom you don't know. We can also call trust in humanity.

Children in early age trust their teachers and they share everything and teachers trust the children's words. 

Three things related to trust that must be highlighted:

-  ways to build trust.

- learn to forgive if it is broken.

- not to take advantage if somebody trusts you     

How to build trust

Trust is built when you have a clear understanding of someone and keep promises. As a teacher, following classroom activities can be carried out to build trust:

-  debate & discussion in class on trust.

-  arrange a game where one kid is in the centre allowed to fall in backwards & another has to pull him back in the centre.

-team games like football, volleyball, etc. In these games, not only trust among children will increase but unity will also develop.

Learn to forgive

During teenage, children go through many changes. At this phase of life, the right guidance at the right time is very much required. Once trust is broken you cannot fix it as it was. And that broken piece hurts you for the entire life. Forgiveness is not simple but once you forgive it makes your life simple. This should be discussed with the class.

If water is kept in a bowl for a longer period, it becomes poisonous for health so it is necessary to let it go. Same way negativity in the heart destroys your inner strength so it's important to let them flow out.

Never Take advantage of someone's trust:

Many times children take advantage of their friends and parents' trust. It’s important to make them aware that if you will break their trust someday some other person will break yours. 

The relation between simplicity and trust 

Simplicity in appearance & thoughts attracts everyone towards you. When a message is conveyed in simple words, it is understood by everyone. When people start understanding your words, they start trusting their actions. In an organization, if you make things simple & clear, better results are delivered. Simple teaching techniques help kids to understand & develop an interest in the subject. When you make things simple for children, they trust you.  In students' lives, a phase comes when they get stuck in some situation. If children know that you will understand and make things easier, they then will trust you & discuss with you. 

Shivani Rao

The Fabindia School

Simplicity and Trust - Nikita Rajpurohit

Simplicity refers to the quality of being simple. It means to be yourself, to be natural without any show-offs.  When we talk about simplicity, it can be living a comfortable life in a simple way like a simple lifestyle, simple dressing sense, simple food, etc. When we are simple, people feel comfortable to talk to us and it automatically generates trust.

Trust means to believe in oneself, others, etc. Where there is trust, there is no need to prove yourself right. It means to believe other’s words without asking for any evidence or proof. It is rightly said, " Trust is like a vase, once it is broken, it can never be the same again".To maintain every relationship, trust is required.  Trust can be built only when we listen to people, understand them without judging them. We need to inculcate these values in our students as it plays a major role in our life. 

We, as educators, need to interact with students, understand them to build a good rapport. In the classroom, we need to use simple strategies to make students understand, like using simple language, converting theory into practice, play way methods, fun learning, etc. It has been a proven fact that these strategies help students to remember things for a long time. We can inculcate trust among students by giving them responsibilities. When they will be assigned some work, they will try their best to fulfil their duties and responsibilities and will maintain that trust which the teacher has shown on them.

I will share one classroom incident where simplicity and trust is depicted. When I joined the school and was made class teacher of VIII B, I appointed a monitor. But I observed that students were not listening to him. Then I kept changing monitors but still no change could I see. Then slowly with time, I observed a boy who was well-liked by all his classmates. He was, of course, naughty also. But still, I appointed him as the monitor.

I saw a change that in the absence of a teacher, he managed the class very well and carried out all his duties properly. I was really very happy to see him managing class so well that I appreciated him. As I showed trust in him and gave responsibilities, he also maintained that trust. So this is how we can build trust in a simplified manner.

Nikita Rajpurohit

The Fabindia School